Isaac's Birthday Party

Just wanted to post a few of my favorite pictures of Isaac's birthday party from today. We had a great time at the Mount Hermon field. Happy Birthday Isaac!

Happy Birthday Isaac John!

Isaac is one year old today.

It's weird to think that 365 days ago, at almost this exact moment, we were at the hospital about to experience the amazing miracle that is birth. I had just taken a hot shower during "transition," and afterward asked for a Q-tip...because I always clean my ears out with a Q-tip after a shower. Everyone who was there laughed at my request, and in just seconds came another contraction. Isaac was born about half an hour after I got out of the shower at 7:35 am.

What a year this has been and what a joy Isaac has been to us. The Hebrew meaning of Isaac is "laughter," and he definitely lives up to that name. We have had so much fun having this boy in our lives and in our house!

Simply for posterity sake, I thought I would list some of the things Isaac does at one year old.

At one year, Isaac...

-almost walks. He has been taking 2, 3, or 4 steps but I wouldn't quite say he is "walking" But it will happen soon.
-LOVES his sister Olivia. Most mornings, he wakes up before she does and he tries to go into her room repeatedly. When she does wake up, he seems to enjoy going to her bed and playing there while she adjusts to being awake.
-signs "all done" by waving his hands in the air. He hasn't figured out the sign for "more," but instead he just screams and bangs his head on the back of his high chair.
-loves to feed himself.
-takes 2 naps a  day and generally sleeps through the night.
-says "mama" and seems to attach meaning to it.
-is still a "mommy's boy."
-always tries to put socks and shoes on his feet, regardless of who in the family said shoes belong to.
-sits and actually plays with toys, something his sister never really did (and still really doesn't do as she is constantly moving).
-plays with cars, making the "vrrmm" sound, even though no one really showed him how to do that.

The Princess and the Pea

Before and After Photos

Before (Tuesday morning):


After (Wednesday morning):

Welcome to our world, Isaac John!

Welcome to our world, our lives and our family, Isaac John Hernandez. Born September 14, 2011 at 7:35 am, weighing 7 pounds, 14 ounces. We love you already!

Long Overdue Post

Ok so I started this post but never finished it...so here it is and I'll start a new one today! (is that weird?)

I'm not sure if there's many people out there that read my blog (except my mom - thanks Mom!), but just in case...I've got some long overdue news.

We're pregnant!!!

And when I say long overdue, I mean really long overdue. As in I'm in my third trimester and our due date is September 22. It hasn't been a secret for a long time in any sense, but it's just that I haven't made my way over here to blogspot to do a post. Until now.

We are SUPER excited about being pregnant, going through the childbirth experience again, and most of all having a new baby BOY. And Olivia is really excited to be a big sister.

Happy Anniversary!

It's hard to believe this picture was taken six years ago today. Thanks Peter Thomsen for some great photographs from our wedding day.

Santa Cruz Harbor in March

My mom and step-dad made a trip from Texas to visit us earlier this week, and we took these picture on a trip down to the harbor (and the Lighthouse where Juan and I got engaged!). It was a sort of gray day (in terms of the sky), but the light must have been just right because I love how these photos turned out!

Christmas 2010

Tidings of Comfort and Joy

This weekend we went to see the Christmas show at our church, Twin Lakes Church. It was phenomenal! They did 10 productions of the show and from what I understnad, each one was packed out! (You should check out some clips of the show over the last couple of years on youtube...it is that good!) Anyhow, during the show, there was a rendition of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" and while listening to the song, one line of the lyrics struck me. It's a part that you would probably recognize..."O tidings of comfort and joy...comfort and joy...O tidings of comfort and joy."

I was struck by the words because if there were ever a year that I needed to hear "tidings of comfort and joy," it was this year. but I hadn't made any particular connection between our pain from losing Hope and the comfort and joy (which we so desperately needed) given in the birth of Jesus. Clearly, we have looked to God as our comfort, but I hadn't really thought of Christmas as a specific reminder of that. (Yes, it seems obvious, but somehow that's how these things work. )

This reminder was particularly needed, as Christmas is also the time of year that Hope was due to be born. So we've been reminded often of the loss of her life and our pain surrouding her loss, since, had we not lost her, we would have been having a new baby this Christmas.

So, just what were the tidings of comfort and joy? According to the lyrics, the tidings were: "Remember, Christ, our Saviour was born on Christmas day, to save us all from Satan's power when were were gone astray."

I'm glad these words were brought to my attention and I've had some time to think them through. For years to come, when I hear this song, I'll be reminded of this Christmas, of grieving Hope's loss during the Christmas of 2010, and of the reminder of tidings of comfort and joy.

Merry Christmas!

God rest ye merry, gentlemen

Let nothing you dismay

Remember, Christ, our saviour

Was born on Christmas day

To save us all from Satan's power

While we were gone astray

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy

O tidings of comfort and joy.

Funny thing Olivia says...

Olivia is talking like crazy these days! She is saying so many funny things that I decided to start recording some of them just so I don't forget them. Here are some of our favorites...

• "Cutie pie" (referring to herself, of course!)
• "Come on" (while holding your hand and taking you where she wants you to go)
  
• "Oh my goodness!"
• "Oh boy."
• "One more time..." (with her index finger int he air)
  
• "I want more olives." (We're pretty sure this was her first four word sentence just a few days ago.)
• "Hey babe!" (This one came from a version of "She'll be coming 'round the mountain" from a Bert and Ernie record Olivia listens to at Miss Lorna's house. Yes, you read that right...they listen to records! Isn't that great!?)
• "Maybe so."
• "Happy Birthday-giving" (This was her version of "Happy Thanksgiving.")

Here are a few others I can't really put in a list format, but they're definitely worth recording:

1. We have good friends who live near us, the Bootz'. We drive by their house every day on the way to and from our house and often we talk about all of the people in their family. Olivia can say all their names...first and last: Amy Bootz, Josh Bootz, Eli Bootz, and Baby Brenden Bootz. Pretty cool.

2. About 3 weeks ago, Olivia was washing her hands and slipped and fell, causing her face to hit the faucet and giving her a pretty good cut just below her eye. It must have made quite the impression her as she is still talking about that boo-boo. It goes something like this: "Washing hands...boom!...waahh...boo-boo." It's truly story-telling at its finest.

3. Today we were driving to a get-together with some friends, and on the way, Juan and I were chatting away. Out of the blue, Olivia said, "Mommy, Daddy...no talking." What?!?

We love this little girl and she is surprising us every day with the things she does...and now even more, the things she says!

Just for fun...some photos from my phone

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Olivia and I spent some time last week making a card for Juan's birthday, so I thought I would share our work with all of you. We had such a ball making the card that Olivia could barely hold in all her excitement!

A Sorrow Shared

Many of you know that in my paying job (as opposed to my non-paying, but *favorite* job of being a mom), I work in a book shop. So it was in the context of my book shop job that I was looking at a list of recommended books today, and I came across a book entitled A Sorrow Shared. I didn't really even look at the book in too much detail, but I was intrigued by its name.

When thinking about those words, I really resonated with their meaning, and I couldn't stop thinking about our experience of losing Baby Hope this year. I kept thinking of all the friends and family who have traveled this road with us, listening to us when we needed to "verbally process," supporting us during the hard times, bringing us meals, and just asking how we were even when you didn't know what to say. It was in all these ways and so many others that you shared our sorrow. And by sharing our sorrow, you have carried some of our burden. I don't know how we could have done this without you. Our gratefulness goes beyond our words, as I don't think our words could adequately express what you have meant to us on this journey.

Thank you for sharing our sorrow. Your kindness will always be remembered.

Life with Olivia

Olivia is doing really funny things these days. Besides saying words like crazy, she is experimenting with all kinds of noises with her mouth...gurgling sounds, pretending to sneeze, and fake snoring. She is cracking us up on a regular basis!

She has also fallen completely head over heels in love...with 2 stuffed animals! She loves the book "Brown Bear" (I highly recommend the book, too!) and has named a large teddy bear that Juan gave me for a birthday years ago "Brown Bear." After reading the book about 1,000 times, she learned to say "Brown Bear" and in fact, the other day we were in Costco and they had giant stuffed bears. Like about 5 feet tall stuffed bears. Olivia saw them across the way and yelled out (in her tiny 18-month old yelling voice), "Brown Bear!!!" It was so stinkin' sweet.

The other stuffed animal she's fallen in love with is a stuffed Elmo, and she actually fell in love with Elmo (the character) before she even got the stuffed animal. About a week ago, Juan taught her to say Elmo, and it just stuck. Some days, it seems like every other word out of her mouth is "Elmo." Today, our friends brought by a stuffed Elmo and she was giddy with excitement. In fact, as I'm writing this, she's asleep in her crib...with Elmo by her side.

We continue to cherish every day we have with Olivia. She brings us such joy.

A letter to our sweet Hope

Dear Hope,

Today we buried your body at the Felton Cemetery. Only a small group of very close friends and family were there, as we had planned, and we shared a beautiful time together. Your Nini and Tu, Mommy's parents, sent the most beautiful flowers for your grave...they were pink and white and so fitting for a newborn baby girl. Ita and "Toto," Daddy's parents, brought three pink balloons and a beautiful pink rose bush. "Miss Lorna," Olivia's special friend and a dear friend to your mommy and daddy, brought a bouquet of white flowers. Gary Williams from church gave a very short talk, encouraging us in the comfort that God provides, and then Daddy and Toto lowered your casket into the ground. You were buried in the most beautiful baby casket I've ever seen...it was painted all white and it was just the right size for you. Even now as I'm writing this letter to you, tears are streaming down my face thinking about the day. It was so painful, but still beautiful, just like you were beautiful.

What I want you to know, Baby Hope, is that even though your life was very, very short, we loved you from the moment we knew about you. When we knew that you would most likely not live until your birth, and almost certainly not beyond pregnancy, we began to accept that all the love we would give to you would be through me carrying you in my tummy and through the words we could say to you before you were born. It seems like so little, but we gave you all the love we could.

I also want you to know that your Daddy and I are so glad that we had the opportunity to love you. Learning that you would not be born as a healthy baby was the most difficult thing we have ever experienced, and our hearts are still hurting. But we believe that we will see you again someday, and we know that it will not always hurt like it hurts now.

Yes, Baby Hope, today was a difficult day, much like the day you were born, only two short weeks ago, but on both of these days, God gave your Dad and me so much peace. On the day you were born, all day we awaited your arrival and I prayed all day that God would guide me and give us strength for what we were about to go through. And when you arrived, it was one of the most peaceful and beautiful experiences we have ever had. And in a strange way, today was beautiful and peaceful, as well.

We love you baby Hope,

Mommy and Daddy

God is Still Good

We've been home from the hospital for 4 days now, and my mom flew back to Texas today. We've felt so loved by friends and family who've called and sent cards and by those in town who have brought over flowers, meals, etc. or just let us know they've been thinking of us. It's been so great to have my mom here to just "be" together and to help us with Olivia. The help with Olivia has been such a blessing....much more than we even anticipated! One morning Olivia was eating her cheerios and for some reason decided to throw the bowl (milk and all) onto the floor. I burst into tears, and Mom stepped in, taking over on helping O with breakfast and sending me back to bed. I'm not sure what I would have done without her here in that moment.

Juan and I have had time this week to just be together as a couple and begin to process what we've been through these last 2 months. We know it could be a long road, but we are not alone on the journey.

It's hard to think about entering back into "normal life," but we're just taking it one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. We have been constantly reminded of God's goodness in the midst of our heartache, and can only believe that He will continue to provide what we need in the days ahead.

When Hello means Good-bye

Baby Hope came peacefully into this world at 10:04 pm on Tuesday, August 10. We were able to say hello and good-bye, and she was beautiful. We love you, Baby Hope.

Baby Hope went to be with God today.

We went in for our weekly appointment with Dr. Lawson, and she couldn't find Hope's heartbeat. Tomorrow we will go to the hospital to have labor induced.

It has been an incredibly painful day, but we are thankful for the love and support of so many family and friends.

Please continue to pray for me, Juan and Olivia as we continue this journey. Pray that the "father of mercies and the God of all comfort" will comfort us in this time.

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, O God, even as we put our hope in You." Psalm 33:22

A long overdue update

It's taken a while for me to be able to put together this post. We definitely have some things to update, but sometimes it's easy for me to focus so much on the scientific and the medical details (maybe too much?), but this last few days have been the most emotional we've experienced on this journey. So figuring out what to write has been hard.

Alas, here are the details: last Thursday we got a call from the Genetic Counselor and they had received the results from the amniocentesis performed two weeks earlier. I was surprised they gave them to us over the phone, but nonetheless, Juan was at work, I was in my car parked at Mount Hermon, and we talked to Stephanie on a three-way call. She shared with us that they did find a chromosomal abnormality. It's called Trisomy 18, and it means that our baby has 3 copies of Chromosome 18, rather than the normal 2. It's a condition the doctors consider "not compatible with life." 98% of babies with Trisomy 18 do not survive pregnancy. Of the small number that are born, their lifespan is typically only seconds, minutes or hours.

We had an appointment on Friday, where we did an ultrasound and saw that the baby's heart was still beating. Dr. Taslimi also pointed out that the swelling has extended even more into her arms and legs. He appeared very sad as he let us know that our baby's swelling is so profound that medically, the doctors only expect her to live in utero for only a few more weeks at most.

Unbelievably, we spent most of our appointment with the genetic counselor talking about the whys and hows of gaining "closure" in a situation like ours. I was surprised yet grateful that the medical establishment placed so much emphasis on this. We have lots of ideas and some potential plans, but most of all, we now know the importance for our emotional health long-term of processing our grief for our baby.

So...that's the factual update, and here's the emotional one: we are so very saddened and also emotionally exhausted at this point in the journey. We have another appointment tomorrow with my regular obstetrician, and we'll probably start having weekly ultrasounds with her, but at this point the purpose of the ultrasounds is to look for signs of life. And unless science, medicine, and statistics are proven wrong in our case, one of these next few weeks, the doctor will look at us and say, "I'm so sorry."

It's safe to say we're "preparing for the worst" and in doing so, the waiting is really difficult. However, I've said it before and I'll say it again, but both Juan and I deeply believe that despite all the pain that we've experienced up to this point, and despite the pain that we know could be in our future, we believe that God can and will bring healing to our broken hearts. It won't be easy or pain-free by any means, but we do believe in healing.

One closing note: we just wanted to say thank you to all of you who have been so supportive and loving towards us in this process. We can't imagine going through this journey alone, and our hearts will forever be grateful for the love we have received from people like you. Thank you.